Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
I will die if light touches me.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
