This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
