Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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