First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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