I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
