It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
Randomize
