apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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