I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Randomize
