my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
Randomize
