he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize