i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
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