i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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