I think I died a long time ago.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
