i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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