i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
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