I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Randomize
