god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
i barfeds in our rink
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
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