Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
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