In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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