You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
It's rum buckets o'clock
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
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