You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
My Sexting was not on an AP level
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
