you're like a bully in the Christmas story
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
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