the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
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