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Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Randomize
