So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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