so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
