he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
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