3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
Randomize
