standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
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