Apparently you make a good broom.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Randomize
