My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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