My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Randomize
