he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Randomize
