Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
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