It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
