We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
Randomize
