i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Randomize
