my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
ttyl tear gas
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize