How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Randomize
