Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
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