This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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