Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
