At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Randomize
