i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
Randomize
