A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
Randomize
