I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize
