His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
Randomize
