If you think im a hippy you should see these girls. They would scissor mother nature if they had the chance.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Randomize
