my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
