You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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