you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
