do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
You smell like stripper and shame
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
