Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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