he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
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