If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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