if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
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