My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
