Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
