he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
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