The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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