you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
