Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
then he tried to convert me to islam
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
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