hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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